WHEN I was a boy, I grew up under the assumption that by the time 2008 rolled around, we’d be living on the moon, eating our meals in pill form and using jet packs to get around.
Instead, things are pretty much the same now as they were then, but why? It’s almost like scientists have been diverted by solving real life problems, instead of focusing on inventing things out of sci-fi films.
I mean, what the frak is that all about?
So to try and hurry them along, here’s my list of sci-fi inventions which should be invented.
1. The Jet Pack
Simple and classic – from the early days of Buster Crabbe as Flash Gordon, the idea of a jet pack has been super cool. Strapping on your Anti-Grav 5000 in the back garden and taking off for work has been a dream of every man at least once in his life.
But, you say, the exhaust flames would burn your legs off within 20 feet of the ground and the amount of fuel it would need would mean it would have to be twice your size to get to the end of the path. And unlike a bike or car, a small malfunction could mean plummeting hundreds of feet to your death, instead of pulling to the side of the road and ringing the AA.
So what, says I! This is the closest thing on my list to being actually real. What are we paying the Brainiacs for if not to get over these small hiccups and deliver the Anti-Grav 5000. I want my Anti Grav 5000!!
2. Laser Guns
Again, don’t these speak for themselves? Hasn’t anyone seen Han Solo and thought that should be me? At the moment, most portable lasers would struggle to heat up a piece of bread.
Come on scientists – get your act together – it’s time for anyone who wants to, to be able to fry an alien bounty hunter in a backworld cantina.
3. The Transporter
You’d never be late for anything again – just step into our transporter and reappear at your desk – or automated workpod as it should be (don’t get me started on that one.)
OK, so breaking down the human body molecule by molecule is impossible and even if it were possible, it would need a stack of supercomputers from here to the moon.
But don’t bring me problems based on actual insurmountable facts – bring me solutions!!
4. Robot slaves
The ultimate in every home – a robot to do all the shit stuff for you, especially if they look like Summer Glau and are always asking to discover human emotions.
Dishes need cleaning? Send in the robot.
Cleaning day? Let the robot do it.
Shopping? Well, you see where I’m going with this.
OK, so there is always a risk they may gain sentience, rise up and overthrow their human masters, who will by then have no idea how to fight back due to a life of being pampered by a robot.
However if I’ve learned one thing from watching and reading sci-fi – and I have – it is that the seemingly sinister corporations who build robots always have our best interests at heart and would build in some sort of easily defeated safety measure to ensure that wouldn’t happen.
So there you are – I have laid down the challenge to the engineers and scientists of the world! Stop looking for cures to diseases or ways to beat global warming and get these ridiculously expensive and needless inventions up and running.
Just watch out for those robots.