The writer of Battlefield Earth said sorry as he accepted his Razzie for worst film of the decade, in a hilarious and illuminating acceptance speech explaining the film came about because he was just trying to get laid when Scientology got in the way.
But as bad as Battlefield Earth is – and it won every single Razzie it was up for in 2001 when it came out, as well as scoring just 2.3 out of 10 on IMDB – it is not alone in the science fiction hall of shame.
Here’s my pic of the top five science fiction apologies we should receive.
Here we go.
5. Star Trek Five – The Final Frontier
In 1989 Star Trek was riding high.
His story? The USS Enterprise and his crew have to cope with Spock’s half brother, a cult leader and mystic who takes away people’s pain, and is on an obsessive search to meet God on the planet of Shakaree, who Kirk eventually takes on mano-a-mano.
Let me leave you with that description for a minute, so it can properly sink in.
To be fair to Shatner, he was hamstrung by poor special effects and budget, but this was a woeful idea from the start. Say sorry Bill.
But Signs was the first sign that his gift for gripping storytelling and building nerve-shredding tension was starting to desert him.
Just to recap, the film is about aliens stalking the earth and leaving crop circles.
These aliens have conquered the not inconsequential problem of interstellar space travel, but seem unable to break down the wooden door to the cellar where Mel Gibson and his family are sheltering.
And despite water being deadly to them, they take no precautions whatsoever against its effects when visiting a planet covered in the stuff. Really, M Night?
Nic Cage. If he started apologising for some of the shit he has churned out in recent years we’d be here a looong time.
Instead let’s focus on Knowing, in which the end of the world is predicted by a series of numbers, but humanity is saved by the whisper people and taken to another planet.
I could go on but I’m losing the will to live just from reading that back. If you like your numbers, then this film is one big number two.
Apologise Cage, even like this – 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001
2. Anything to do with The Matrix after the first film
Bullet time! Fantastic kung fu! Cool characters! Great villains! A wonderful premise! The lobby scene!
Sooo, how to build on that?
I bet if you quizzed everyone connected to The Matrix and the machines too, their answer would not have been a sweaty rave, Colonel Sanders talking in riddles, blinding then killing the hero and dollops of incomprehensible philosophy.
Never mind Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, this was uncontrolled film-makers racing up their own arses and hoping some cool fights would take everyone along for the ride. An apology? We’re still waiting.
1. Can’t you guess?
There can be only one and without giving anything anyway, his name rhymes with Lorge Jucas. Got it?
The man who gave us Star Wars has gone out of his way to piss off everyone who watched and loved the films. Han shooting second and Jar Jar Binks are the most obvious examples of the tinkering game he seems to be playing with himself to see how much shit people will take before crying uncle.
And what’s more – he doesn’t give a fuck what you think and recently said so on The Daily Show and other interviews too. As long as the cash keeps pouring into Skywalker Ranch, everything is fine, right?
An apology from him would be solid gold to anyone who loves the universe he made, but you may as well wish for a working lightsaber or getting a lift to work in the Millennium Falcon.
And that is that – as always your thought, comments and suggestions are more than welcome.