What new mutants should Jane Goldman write for X-Men First Class?

THE news that Jane Goldman is scribbling away on X-Men First Class was greeted with cheers at Scyfi Love Towers, as she rocked the shit out of Stardust and Kick Ass.

But given the premise of the film is young X-Men, I’d like to see her bring in some mutants we haven’t seen before instead of the usual suspects like Professor X, Cyclops and Wolverine.

Here’s my list of suggestions.

Do you agree?

1. Troy Bolton

Mutant name: Cissie Mary

Mutant Power: The team’s leader, Troy’s power is to break into song at every opportunity and play basketball, badly, as well as being an unconvincing heterosexual.

2. Screech

Mutant name: Screech

Mutant powers: Like Banshee in classic X-Men, Screech can disable enemies just by opening his mouth. Imagine the most annoying sound you’ve ever heard, then multiply it by two billion teachers scratching their nails down a blackboard, and you’re not even close. Also has an eye for the ladies, although those scenes may not make the 12 certificate cut of the film.

3. Neil Perry

Mutant name: Dead Meat

Mutant power: Immortality. Constantly underestimated by his enemies, Dead Meat can complete whatever mission he is charged with …. almost. The second, less useful, element of his mutant power is a powerful compulsion to blow his brains out with his mission almost finished and for no real reason. Also the team medic.

4. Hermione Grainger

Mutant name: Jailbait

Mutant Power: Magic, and being attractive yet curiously sexless, Hermione is an insufferable know-it-all who nevertheless earns the respect of the rest of the team or something like that.

5. Ferris Bueller

Mutant name: The Cool

Mutant power: You name it – singing, driving fast cars, disguise, master of audio technology, charm. Not the most reliable member of the team as is often absent from X-school. We would learn he also has a nemisis – Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

6. Gregory

Mutant name: Caracas, the wonder boy

Mutant Power: Makes everyone feel better about themselves through a mix of Scottish charm and gentle ineptitude. Indispensible for team morale, when he’s not clumsily punching above his weight by trying to get into Jailbait’s pants.

7. Edward Cullen

Mutant name: The Drab

Mutant power: Taking himself too seriously – his overpowering sense of self-importance means he can leach the happiness from any location, while looking like he has been surviving on a diet of baked beans and rice krispies, which he found on the floor of the school cafeteria. Think Judd Hirsch in The Breakfast Club, but without any of his attractive personality traits.

8. Michael J Fox

Mutant Name: Great Scott

Mutant Power: Time travel and transforming into a werewolf, but can become distracted during missions by running into family members and relatives at innopportune moments. Also kicks Cissie Mary’s ass at basketball when in werewolf form.

…. And there you go! Guaranteed box office gold and much better than the usual X-Men cast.

As always your suggestions would be more than welcome

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